Outside my window: dark...beautiful dark.

I am thinking: teaching 2nd grade next week till Christmas should be pretty fun!

I am thankful for: delivery.

I am wearing: Jammies....

I am reading: nothing yet. I'm being mindless

I am hoping: to prove whoever decided I was an ineffective teacher wrong completely before I leave.

I am creating: some semblance of a clean house.

I am praying: that I can find a job with this strange political and economical situation going on...

Around the house: I don't even want to talk about it.

One of my favorite things: warm, clean jammies

Plans for this weekend: perhaps a date...with Brad even...maybe, just maybe, even in public!

Outside my window: f-in cold.

I am thinking: there is no way in hell I will EVER teach Kindergarden. EVER.

I am thankful for: wine. of any sort right now.

I am wearing: the same thing I wore to school...and fuzzy socks. Too tired to change.

I am reading: unintelligible lesson plans to see what I can do tomorrow that will keep me sane and keep the kids engaged.

I am hoping: to still have 20 kindergardeners at the end of tomorrow.

I am creating: pillsbury muffins in the oven.

I am praying: that no one else in kinder EVER gets sick because I don't think I will be able to do it again.

Around the house: I don't even want to talk about it.

One of my favorite things: bread...and butter.

Plans for this weekend: perhaps a date...with Brad even...maybe, just maybe, even in public!

Outside my window: chilly, wintery evening

I am thinking: I have absolutely no idea what my duties are to be this week. Any office I had has been overtaken by toys for our tots.

I am thankful for: the fact that Brad is a collector of DVD sets of weird things. I found Firefly this weekend and have no earthly idea why the hell it ever got canceled.

I am wearing: Sweats, fuzzy socks

I am reading: stuff that I've filed to see if it's worthy of keeping

I am hoping: To find a school that appreciates creativity, fun, and active participation in the learning process in teaching to achieve academic goals.

I am creating: a new sense of self. I am not my job.

I am praying: that a window opens soon...the window was cracked and I've put myself out there to go through it, but I need someone else to open it a bit more.

Around the house: fur. Cat fur, dog fur, and probably rat fur.

One of my favorite things: bread...and butter.

Plans for this weekend: perhaps a date...with Brad even...maybe, just maybe, even in public!

Outside my window: sunny, cool, wintery morning.

I am thinking: I want so badly to be somewhere that I can teach the things that kids need to know, not just how to take a test that really serves no purpose other than to give politicians something to complain about.

I am thankful for: the fact that I have a job at all, even though it wasn't the one I had in October; supportive friends and family; hulu.com to keep me somewhat sane.

I am wearing: Sweats, fuzzy socks

I am reading: Love and Logic books

I am hoping: To find a school that appreciates creativity in teaching to achieve academic goals.

I am creating: a new sense of self. I am not my job.

I am praying: that a window opens soon...the window was cracked and I've put myself out there to go through it, but I need someone else to open it a bit more.

Around the house: it looks like a bomb went off.

One of my favorite things: cheese.

Plans for this weekend: to find (again) my house among all the classroom shit.

 I am stealing this from a friend who blogs who stole it from a friend who blogs. I like it.  Maybe it'll help me get back into this.

OUTSIDE MY WINDOW: It is dark.  I left here when it was dark this morning and got home when it was dark.  What's sun again?

I AM THINKING: Maybe I shouldn't have tried to be a teacher.  I wonder how suited I am...I feel like I am yelling ALL the time, and that parents who don't tell their kids "no" EVER have no idea what that does to them when it comes time to follow directions and do things they don't want to do.  It makes me really angry that it's ok with some of them that their kids talk back the way they do...  People should have to have a license to breed and take a test far more difficult than any other...and ace it in order to get pregnant.  Makes what I love to do that much harder to do for those who really want to learn and have fun doing it.

I AM THANKFUL FOR: Small encouragements.  The fact that my AP took time to give me some ideas on how to "fix" what's wrong in my classroom meant a lot today...means she still has hope.

I AM WEARING: Jammies.  I'm in bed already, after all.

I AM READING: I have two books to read: a Kathy Reichs novel and something else I wanted to read but can't remember the name of.  Hopefully this weekend they'll both get read.

I AM HOPING: I hope that I figure out how to fix the strange beings that inhabit my classroom.  One swears, one throws things and tantrums daily, one talks back incessantly...and one poor little guy cries...a lot.  He's six.  Six-year-olds shouldn't cry for no reason.

I AM CREATING: a good immune system thanks to Dr. Bob.

I AM PRAYING: I am praying that I can remember what's really important in life...and why I wanted to teach in the first place.  Now and then I get little reminders...I pray I can have some more of them...  I am also praying that pregnancy is not contagious.  Seems everyone is getting pregnant around me.  I DO NOT WANT TO BE PREGNANT.  Upside is, I doubt that Brad is talented enough to impregnate me without being in the room so the likelihood of it happening is small.

AROUND THE HOUSE: Dog hair.  Cat hair.  Rat hair.  Undone dishes.  

ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS: Starbucks....non-fat, vanilla chai latte.  And happy first graders.

A FEW PLANS FOR THE REST OF THE WEEKEND: A haircut and book reading.  Maybe laundry.  Ok, definitely laundry...but the dishes are still undecided.

 Sometimes it's a word.  Sometimes it's a random memory.  Sometimes, nothing at all.  And I cry...sob, really.  And just as quickly, I stop.  I don't know if it's because I'm really done, or because I feel silly sobbing uncontrollably by myself just because some random thought popped into my head.  Tonight it was a brief glimpse of a word.

They say it's a part of grief, but I dunno.  Maybe I repressed it all and just let it out bit by bit, when the feeling really, really, really wants out.  

I slept for almost three weeks non-stop.  I didn't want to talk.  I didn't want to deal with anything.  Is that why I'm sleeping so much now?  Is that why I go to school so early and leave so late?  Is that why I try not to care when Brad and I don't get out for a month or more?  We're both busy...I fix it so I'm busy...  If' I'm busy, then there's no time to worry about what's really wrong....or think about it.  

I don't know if it'll ever stop.  Maybe someday.  But I don't know what will fix it....  Sigh.  I hope it's not ruining things and I can't see it.

So my mother called me at school on Friday, which she never does, to tell me that she was going to go to the doctor.  Said she didn't feel "right." Which is huge for her.  She is old, 73, but in really good health despite her age.  She called later on when the kids were at specials to tell me that she'd been to see the doctor and felt better.  She sounded better too, so I didn't worry.  I spoke to her again on the way home from school and she sounded normal.  A few hours later, she didn't sound so fine.  She wanted to go to the emergency room.

She was weak, dizzy, slurring, slumpy (which she is NEVER) and really had to lean on me to even walk to the car.  So we got to the emergency room and she couldn't answer most of the questions the nurse asked without asking, "WHAT?" three or four times.  I don't know if she couldn't hear him or if she couldn't understand him.  It was scary.

We stayed there for several hours, and they ran a bunch of tests, but as the night went on she seemed to get back to her old self.  She wasn't grey and ashy, her words were coming out correctly, and she seemed almost back to normal except for the weakness and having a hard time walking alone.  The doctor wanted to keep her overnight, but she refused--wanted to go home.  So, despite my suggestion to stay, she got to go home.  I got her upstairs and settled, and then went home to sleep.

She called me Saturday morning early because she said she didn't feel any better than the night before and wanted to go back.  So we went back to the ER and after much bitching on her part, got her admitted to the hospital.  There are only certain things they can do in the ER...I understand this, but it eluded her completely.  So we got her upstairs and she was really jittery and nervous all morning.  Wanted to know why the hell they couldn't just get the damn tests done and let her go home.  Refused to eat or take off her shoes at all--she was NOT staying.

She went for a bunch of tests, and while she was gone I napped and was awakened by a very calm, yet firm voice saying, "Code Blue in room 3304.  Code Blue in room 3304." over and over again.  That's scary.  You feel for the person who is the reason for the call, and awful for the family who might be in the room, and it's far worse when you're actually waiting for someone and it's not on TV.

They did an MRI, an EKG, a ultrasound of her corotid arteries, another of her heart, and a ton of blood work.  The longer it took, the more pissed off she got.  The doctor finally came in and she fought him with EVERYTHING he said. He asked lots of standard questions, all of which she'd been asked before, and she finally screamed at him that he should read the damn chart if he wanted any more information.  He told her he hadn't had the chance to see her tests, but would look and then come back in a while.  In the meantime, an occupational/physical therapist came in...apparently HE saw the tests...and thought the doctor had already talked to her about what was wrong.

The MRI showed that she had two mini-strokes (called TIAs) and they screwed with her balance and head a bit. They're not severe, just little warnings, really, but they can put you out of commission for a little bit with regard to whatever it is they hit.  For her they hit walking and typing.  So she's unsteady and her typing is a bit off.

I cannot express how awful it is to witness your mother, the person who has been the rock of your family, break down and get it in her head that her entire life is over.  She screamed at him that he didn't understand that he'd just taken her entire life.  The second he said the word "stroke," she stopped listening.  To her that was a death sentence.  In her mind, she'd be in a home within days, and have nothing else to look forward to.  Work was out of the question, simple trips to the store could never happen again.  Her life was over as far as she was concerned. Her common sense left her completely at that point, and I actually had to fight her.  I *hate* confrontation. Especially with her.  And especially when I know that she is going to hate everything I have to say.

It was awful.  The whole thing was awful.  It was a horrible day.  Horrible two days, really.  I hate not knowing what is wrong, and while I know I'd rather they not share conjectures about what COULD be wrong, it sucks not knowing.  The nurses and techs were great about telling us why things were being done--to test to see x or y. The OT guy felt HORRIBLE that the doc hadn't been in yet, and he tried so hard to comfort her when he realized that the doc hadn't told her what was wrong yet.  It had to be awful for him to have to give news like that.  

So, once she got a little of her common sense back, the doc came up and told her what he wanted to do.  The nurses had said earlier he might want to keep her overnight for a few more tests, but he said she could go home, and he'd prescribe a blood thinner for her to help keep the clots that caused the TIAs away, and that she could go back to her normal life when she felt like it.  She still bitched him out over everything, and I had to let her (and I felt AWFUL for the doctor...she is without a doubt the WORST patient EVER in the history of medicine.) to make HER feel like she had control over something.  

A few hours later we went home, and she had a call from our family in Alaska.  Her cousin and best friend on earth had been taken to the hospital and seems to have lung cancer AND Alzheimer's.  What a way to end the day.  I'll need to talk to the little 3rd grader who hasn't gotten her Flat Stanley back from Alaska and let her know that he's keeping Ed and Merlene company in the hospital for a while.  I think she'll understand and be okay with that. 

Today she was better, moving around and almost back to normal.  We went to the store and to lunch, and she's thinking much clearer about things.  She's still unsteady, and a bit freaked out about driving, but I think she'll be okay.  

I knew stuff like this would happen eventually.  I guess I just hoped it would wait.  Makes me sad to see her frustrated and scared like this.  Knowing that there's nothing I can do about it--I can't stop it from happening, or fix it--makes it all worse.  I keep reading that this is just part of life.  I think I'd like to skip over this part.  

Well, I still haven't completely confronted the belittler, but I did tell her today that these kids aren't "mine" or "yours," rather they're OURS.  They feed off of us collectively.  They know when we are upset, sad, frustrated, even when they're the ones who don't spend the WHOLE day with us and that reflects in their behavior towards us and towards one another.  Whether we planned it or not, some of them want to do what they can to "protect" us even if it means getting themselves in trouble.   

We're trying to pump them ALL up for CSAP and telling all of them to do their best, and while we may not have taught them all the same way, they've improved a ton regardless.  I saw all the kids working their asses off today, and while some did it in a more conventional way, others attacked the two tests today in their own unique ways, and it seemed like they were still pretty effective.  They really worked hard and I could see it in their concentration.  (The smoke coming out of their ears is a pretty normal thing.)  She focused so much on what they were doing wrong (the boys in my room in particular) that I don't think she saw any of the good things, like the use of dialogue, descriptive language, and the fact that all of them SHOWED WORK in the boxes like they're suppposed to.  That's something to celebrate--these are things we've fought for all year long and finally, they did it when it matters!

She still tried to imply that I'm not an effective teacher when I brought up a resource that touched on something we want to teach the kids to do in the next couple of days.   I'd said that this resource had a really good, kid-friendly way to show them how to create a particular kind of graph that we didn't spend a lot of time on and we might want to take a look at it, and she said oh she already knew a better way (before I'd even finished the sentence) and that her mentor had said it was the best way to teach them about it.  Fine, you wanna be the know it all, go ahead.  When you have to spend another day reteaching it because you can't explain it in english to ADULTS, more power to you. 

I've decided that because she's so young (24), inexperienced (1 year teaching kinder in a really weird environment and a few working in a day care), and unprofessional (last place she worked is an absolute joke of a school so she couldn't have learned much there), she is listening to whomever she can that is "senior" to me or anyone else on our team and trying to play things off as having been her idea or the word of someone in power.  It's more of a face-saving thing for her I think., as is the belittling.  If she can feel like the more "experienced" and "knowledgable" person between us, she feels powerful.  I've already seen her broken down in tears because she got absolutely nailed for being a "lazy" teacher more than once. 

I don't think I'm the perfect teacher.  I know I'm not.  I still have a lot to learn, a lot to change, and a lot to figure out. That being said, I've learned from my mistakes and rarely make the same one twice.  I don't know that she sees herself as a work in progress.  For a teacher, that's a really dangerous thing.  Teachers who begin thinking that their way is the only way, or the way they've done it is the only way TO get it done, don't get very far in their own careers nor do they make differences in the lives of the kids they teach.  In the last year, I've seen six of those sort of teacher get let go or asked to "retire" unwillingly.  It'd be sad for her to end up where they are too quickly. 

I just had a really good idea for a lesson on prime/composite and odd/even numbers as I sat here typing.  Wow.  I hope i remember it.

I wonder what drives people to derive pleasure out of belitting others?  It seems that a colleague takes great pleasure in belitting me in front of my students, my teammates, my administrators, and anyone else who is visible.  I'm not real big on confrontation, and so actually beating the shit out of this person isn't likely to happen, no matter how many times I do it in my head.  I want to tell her that it's rude, it's poor form, and most of all, it presents a VERY poor professional image and a really rotten example for her own students to follow.  She blames me for choices that my students make when they are out of my control, insinuating, in front of them, that if I had any sort of classroom management sense or relationship with my students, these things simply wouldn't happen and her students wouldn't be "victimized." 

My students are not angels.  They're not.  I'm under no delusion that they are.  Most are good kids, but several have issues.  They came standard will all sorts of bad habits and familial baggage that I am working my ass off to try to correct, but I am met with parents who don't seem to see any of these things as bad for the kids' future, which makes my job that much harder.  What they do/say when they are out of my sight is somehow still my fault and responsibility in her eyes, and she has told her students that it is MY problem to deal with, even though HER students are the ones who have started the confrontations.  We now have the principal involved in a NUMBER of issues between members of our classes, the majority of which have occured outside of school or during other's classes when our two classes are together.  Yet somehow, it's my fault that these things happen. 

This colleague continuously lets others know that she believes I am an ineffective educator, and has made no bones about her feelings, even in front of me, when we are discussing plans and ideas, by shooting down anything I bring to the table, sometimes even before I have had an opportunity to say a word.  We have planned together with other members of our team and I cannot get a word in about anything...she dominates the discussion and the planning to suit her needs.  As it stands now, I am creating twice as many lessons, because not only am I having to create specific lessons for the team as a whole (we are splitting up the lesson-writing among all of us, her idea) but I am also having to re-do and re-design every lesson SHE forwards because they are so vague I have no idea what the hell it is she intends the children to know and be able to do at the end of it, yet we need to be working towards the same objective.  The other two members of the team are excellent lesson plan writers, so theirs aren't an issue, but hers take twice as much time to re-do as it would have taken me to write my own to start with. 

The "idea" of this shared lesson plan writing stuff began because she was overwhelmed with the idea of actually documenting her lesson plans to be held accountable for what she is teaching.  The thought of spending a few hours a week typing up what she'd do was just too much and it took away from her time with her husband and her family.  The whole accountability piece was another issue entirely.  While I understand the need to be with one's spouse and family, lesson plan creation and writing doesn't actually take that long if you can sit down and just get it done.  Our literacy coach (who happens to also be her mentor) brought up the idea of dividing up the plan writing, and it fit her needs, so she decided, without discussing it with anyone else, that it was what we would do because SHE wanted it that way. 

This is a person who is out the door at 3:40 every day without fail, and who never arrives earlier than 7:40 in the morning, whether she has morning duty or not.  She takes on no additional responibilities, no professional development opportunities unless they are required, and uses her plan time to prepare for THAT day's lesson, not to plan ahead, which is what it is designed for.  She complains when there are meetings that take away from her ability to prepare for her day, regardless of the fact that our "plan" time is never our own and it hasn't been from the beginning.  

She puts as much as she possibly can off on others to do and take care of, so that she isn't held responsible for it.  Prime example: we needed to pull and prepare copies for small reading groups--everyone had to be doing the same story, plus we had to add additional comprehension questions to whatever was already included.  The days that the rest of us prepared things, everyone had it a day or more ahead of time, with questions and extras just in case there was additional time.  The days that she prepared things, we recieved our copies and those for our class 10-15 minutes prior to actually teaching the lesson, giving us no time at all to review her questions or the text for that matter before we were to present it to our students.  Made teaching a hell of a lot harder than it should have been.

Should I confront her?  Sure.  How though?  Should I tell her she's being an unprofessional bitch?  Definitely.  But how to do it in a professional manner without losing any more ground?  Should I beat her senseless with a heavy bat?  I'd love to, but that'd be a bad example to set for my boys.

Sigh.  Mean people suck.

Been a billion eons since I posted last it seems.  Been busy I suppose.  Between trying to keep from strangling my fifth graders, planning, planning, grading, re-planning, and figuring out how to prepare these guys for CSAP (our stupid-ass state assessment that tells us exactly SHIT about what our kids know and are able to do) without "teaching to the test"  I've been tired to say the least.

I have afternoon sub plans to do tonight but damn I'm tired.  I'll just suck it up and go in early again I guess.  Sigh.  

I brought my beautiful, amazing, does everything coffee maker home from school.  (An idiot last year broke the last one and I wanted coffee dammit, so I brought mine from home to share.)  I am officially re-caffinated.  I spent a bit of bucks on some fabulous Pike Place Roast and intend tomorrow morning to awaken to the whirr of the grinder and the smell of freshly brewed pre-paid for coffee.  YAY!

My darling little rat is snoring and sunning herself under the light. Can you say cute?  Just darling.

I got asked by a first grader today if I'd teach second grade next year so that he can be in my class and I can "help him learn!"  (and then he did the cutest little first grader dance...heart...melting!)  Part of me desperately wants to be with the little kids...and part of me wants to stay with the taller little kids.  I love my boys...I do...every single irritating, annoying one of them.  Now and then I see glimmer of real kids inside these hardened shells of boy-men and it's just so cool.  One of them whines and bitches when I ask him to fix things in his work, but as soon as I walk away, he's right on it.  He's also my little protector.  He gets so angry when another of the boys gets mad at me for finally putting my foot down.  He'll holler at the other ones to hush because they're driving me nuts!  And I have another one who worries when I get frustrated with them.  He'll ask, "What's wrong?  Can I fix it?"  And yet there's a third who essentially has no mommy at home (mom works all day and goes to school at night and on weekends, hoping to make a better life for herself and her four kids) and so I'm surrogate for seven hours.  He doesn't want to go home after school and would rather stay in at recess with me than go play.  He's a hanger-on-er, which drives me nuts because it's a 5' boy hanging on me, but no one is at home for him to hang on...so I'm it.  I do love my big kids, I really do...but part of me still aches for the little ones who really really want to learn and who get excited when they figure something out.  These guys do, sometimes, but usually it's just such a fight to get them to attempt anything new--I feel like I'm tricking them, whereas the little ones just WANT to learn more and more and more.  I'm torn.  People keep asking if I'll change grade levels, and I honestly tell them I dunno if I will or not.  A few of the more "veteran" teachers have said they see a huge difference in how I teach the little ones vs. my taller ones, and I do too...I think maybe I have more fun.  I dunno.  Guess we'll see at year's end where I end up.

It seems that every Sunday, I look towards Monday with a renewed sense of hope.  I've planned my lessons, made copies of what needs to be copied, and thought out how each day will go.  I've considered what I'll do if kids do/don't do certain things, if we run out of time, what the objectives for learning are and how I'll close each lesson. 

And then Monday arrives, and everything goes to hell from there.

I know that the issues I face in my classroom are essentially my own fault.  I have tried several different classroom management suggestions (aka demands) by administrators that hell, even *I* don't know which way is up.  I have one who says I have to be a hardass bitch, all day, and frankly, I don't see how that is helping my students learn.  Fact is, I'm not a hardass bitch by nature.  I have one who says that Love and Logic is the key to all things good and beautiful, but from what I've seen with my kids, it does SHIT.  They see it as a free ticket to goof off because there are no consequences at all, or the ones they choose for themselves aren't worth a hill of beans.  I have another who says that I should send them to the office the SECOND they get out of hand or are rude, yet within 4 minutes the kids have returned and never even saw the admin--again, no consequences.  The boys who are my problem children do not deal well with yelling, after all it's all they hear at home.  They see staying in at recess as a reward.  Calling home is not a choice because if there is someone there, they'll blame their child's actions on another kid and tell them it's no big deal.  The parents of my four biggest issues are really poster children for non-parenting--everything is someone elses problem or fault.  

So I've been reading a new book, Discipline with Dignity, and it's helpful somewhat.  One of the main things it keeps repeating is that not all classroom management styles will work--it depends on the kids AND what my own beliefs and values are.  If I don't believe in a particular strategy (treats and rewards for points) it won't work.  The whole extrinsic motivation thing is an issue for me and a BIG issue between this behaviorist guy and I.  We have children growing up in a society where STUFF is more important than anything else.  My boys come to me and say that if I don't give them all A's this quarter, they won't get the latest and greatest gaming system.  Their parents are essentially bribing them for good grades, and then telling them that it is the teacher's responsibility to make sure they get those good grades.  I can't justify giving out treats for behavior I expect from them.  I expect that they will be attentive during class--that's not something that needs to be rewarded with a cookie.  I expect that they will raise their hands when they have something to share.  Again, not rewardable.  Now, if a student goes above and beyond to help another without being asked--THAT may be rewardable depending on the situation. 

There are 12 boys in my class, and four (well five, if you count my friend who is struggling with ADHD--but generally he's an issue only unto himself) who have behavior issues.    They HATE to see anyone else do well.  How the hell do I combat that?  They want to be the absolute center of attention ALL the time and don't care who else it impacts.  Without them there, lessons go as planned. The kids are engaged, they're learning, they're catching on, they're participating.  When those four ARE there, I can't even get through a complete sentence much less an entire lesson.  They're what are referred to as "power" kids.  They thrive on showing others that THEY are powerful and can run the classroom.  So far, these four haven't been addressed specifically in this book.  I've used a couple of the strategies with one of them and it's worked pretty well.  For example, he will make snide or rude comments while I'm teaching about how stupid "this" is or how lame I am or along the lines of only "nerds" think this is cool.  My response, while it's hard to keep from strangling him, is usually something along the lines of either "Oh I'm sorry you feel that way--why don't we chat later about what I can do to make this "cooler" (or whatever) for you." or "Wow, you seem to be really angry about this.  When you calm down, I hope you can tell me how I can be a better teacher.  It's hard to hear you when you call me names like that."

Part of me thinks this is total shit, but it does shut him up.  He once screamed, "THIS CLASS IS SO FUCKING STUPID! I HATE THIS CLASS AND I HATE YOU! MY MOM IS GOING TO SUE YOU!" at the top of his lungs.  I counted to 300, let him calm down, and then asked him to make me a list of EVERYTHING he thought was stupid and that he hated (including me) on one side of a folded sheet of paper and a solution for each one that I could do to make things not stupid.  He couldn't do it.  Everything he wrote down was about HIM.  But it did help him see that what he hates isn't necessarily the class, isn't necessarily me, and doesn't need to involve litigation.

I dunno.  It's hard to not revert back to the Sister Ann threats when I'm frustrated to the gills with them.  It's hard to not just walk out.  Yes, I'm to that point.  I have had several days where it has taken EVERY ounce of self-control I have to not just walk out of the classroom and go cry somewhere.  And then one of the kids goes, "Oh I GET IT!!" and somehow all is forgiven.  

I live for those lightbulb moments.  I live for grading an assessment and seeing that a kid, while the score may say he's still clueless, knows a hell of a lot more than he did when we started.  I live for watching kids actually engage in a real discussion about something we are reading with facts and respectable opinions, not just mean and nasty comments about another's thoughts. 

So every week, I go in on Monday morning with hope.  Hope that this week will be different, that I'll see progress and evolution. 

I am frustrated. 

I saw exactly why my boys get so frustrated with taking tests or doing any sort of performance assessment.  Two of them, who have been goofing off during math and disrupting class every day since the beginning of the school year, are a particular frustration.  I watched them struggle through the math test to the point that one of the two threw it across the room screaming, "I DON'T CARE!  THIS IS STUPID!  I'LL TAKE THE DANG F!"  I want to figure out how to get it through to them that THEIR BEHAVIOR is WHY they struggle.  If you aren't paying attention during class, disrupting it instead, not doing homework, not taking the opportunities they are given to learn, of COURSE you will struggle and not know what the hell you are doing when you are asked to prove it.  

They expect to have the answers handed to them.

I spent a fair amount of the test re-teaching and walking these two through things that they SHOULD have known seeing as how we've spent a month on these concepts.  I was frustrated because I know that they are both perfectly capable of learning.  Their parents blame EVERYONE except their children for what they do.  I hate that in order to keep the peace in the classroom and keep things from escalating further, I had to do what I said I WOULDN'T and walk them through the damn test. 

Sigh.  And I have a behaviorist who insists on interrupting my class by talking to kids while I'm trying to teach a lesson, proving to the kids who want power that I, the teacher, am nothing.  He walks in and interrupts me, he tells me vague solutions to the problems that I have, and isn't willing to SHOW me what he means.  He talks down to me, to the kids, and does it in front of others--kids, teachers, administrators.  

I *want* to talk to John about all this but there hasn't been time.  

I've been told that I need to create and continually update spreadsheets for: district assessments, math tests, reading tests (unit and weekly), spelling tests, writing progress, successmaker progress in reading and math, short constructed responses (that our team is also expected to create them and administer them each Monday, but the "examples" we've been given aren't SCRs.  They're short answer questions. And we are struggling to agree on what exactly we will do.), as well as behavior (from the behaviorist) for each of my kids.  I'm not supposed to print off more than one page at a time.  I'm WAY over my limit (which I didn't know I had to start with) for copies and laminating, but yet I'm supposed to have a copies of assessments in a file for the kids AND send a copy home each time one happens (within 24 hours).  So I'm making copies at home, using up my own paper and ink (which btw, isn't cheap).  I'm trying to use the ELMO as much as possible in my classroom so that the kids can still do the things from the reading core that they are supposed to be doing (we're to follow it to the letter in the hope that we will increase achievement).  I built a website for our class so that I could post homework there, and have parents download/print it at home when their kids don't bother to bring home the copy I made at my house for them to do for homework.  I'm supposed to be pushing Accelerated Reader, but the kids aren't allowed to use my pc in the classroom to take the tests, so I'm not sure how it is they will test for AR yet.  I'm not allowed to have DEAR time, nor read-aloud unless there are questions or some other kind of activity after the reading for the kids to be accountable for.  (This boils down to me either reading EVERY book they are and creating individual response pages or all of us reading the same book (which is not easy because I have some that read at or near grade level and some that can't) and responding after a certain number of pages (which puts the fast readers in a position of having "nothing to do" while they wait for the slow readers.) 

Next week I am supposed to have a meeting on Tuesday morning, one with a parent after school, a meeting Wednesday morning and a workshop in the afternoon which will include being told that I need to now create writing folders for each of my kids (which I have but can't use because my boys cannot work independently yet and so everyone has to have the same prompt, doing the same piece, at the same time) as well as create a spreadsheet and documentation for every drill we have, to include behavior, time it took for us to leave, etc.  I have a meeting on Thursday morning and another that afternoon at 4, and then a book study starting on Friday morning that is required (for me, but not for some others).  

I carpool with people who want to arrive at school at 7:40 (20 minutes before school starts) and leave RIGHT at 3:40 to go home to their husbands.  They don't take anything home and I don't understand how in the hell they can get anything DONE during the day for the following week (we aren't allowed to be doing anything for the current week's planning--it all has to be done a week or more in advance). I know for a fact that one of the two isn't planned out more than an hour into the day and it pisses me off that she's the one spouting advice about how I should be running my classroom.  

I'm feeling frustrated, worried, and inadequate.  I brought home a ton of things that I need to get done, but have to go to school on Friday and Saturday, and probably Sunday too and so I will probably take today for me and go to school the rest of the break to work.  

I just want to cry.  I talked to Shan the other night and she said that I should try to find a job in another district or at least a different grade level, but I feel like I wouldn't be fulfilling the terms of what I was hired to do if I switch.  I was hired to be a fifth grade teacher.  I taught 3rd grade writing for like 10 minutes last week and was happy while I was doing it. It was FUN.  The kids were engaged and having FUN. I went back to my classroom and put that same energy and such into my lessons that day and got no response.   I know that I'm a good teacher...an effective teacher...but I can't figure out how to translate that into my classroom.  I feel overwhelmed, sad, frustrated...  I don't know what to do. 

I have to plan for the next three weeks, typing out all of my plans with every second accounted for...  And I have to grade a TON of assessments to send home on Monday. 

I fell asleep on Brad again last night...in the middle of a conversation.  I can't even stay awake for that.  I dreamed all night about my kids and their running around like idiots and parents telling me that I'm ineffective and a horrible teacher...

Sigh.  I just want to cry.

So I conferred with several teacher friends who made me feel MUCH better about the conversation with my teammate the other day.  I'm not wrong to move on and I can't wait for the few who aren't to the point of mastery.  They agreed that it's not fair to the majority who are ready to move on or into a new phase of the same thing.  Part of the problem lies with our curriculum maps.  It's a great list of standards telling us when to teach what, but it doesn't take into consideration that before one even begins fractions of any sort, kids have to have a conceptual knowledge of a number of things (none of which are listed on the maps until January...).  So we have to start at the beginning, and go forward from there--it takes some kids a lot longer to understand factors and multiples and keep them straight than others.  And some aren't able to divide or multiply at all yet, so that's another hurdle.  We aren't ever told what was taught last year in 4th grade and the maps change yearly so what was done last year may be in a different place this year.  None of the maps mention to what level things need to be done--introductory,  developing, or mastery.  Curriculum textbooks do.  So because we have no idea what our kids know and don't when they come to us, it's difficult to know exactly where to begin and the maps are useless in this sense. 

The week got a little better.  The kids showed that they are capable of achieving reasonably proficient scores on tests, and that tiny success helped THEM see it so they don't think they're stupid anymore. 

I slept for a very long time hoping to shake off the crud that is coming and at the moment, it seems as though it's gone for now.  Not pushing it though.  Cleaned for a while this morning and now I'm sitting on the sofa wondering where the hell my warm went while the dog and rat are snoring.  Good way to spend a Saturday.

Right now I am feeling like a horrible teacher.  Today when I was at lunch, one of my teammates kept asking me why I would move on to something new when 100% of my kids weren't completely proficient with a concept.  She asked me why I would teach something "new" or a new way to approach the same thing if they didn't get it the first time. She asked how I determine that they can do it, when do I make that decision, and what do I do for those who aren't getting it.  

She had valid points, however, the problem is this.  I have 1 kid who will NOT get it.  He moves to another universe entirely when we are doing math.  He's scared to death of it.  He cries and gets frustrated REALLY easily in math because he doesn't understand the CONCEPTS behind it at all.  Everything points to him needing additional intervention for math to at least get him out of Kindergarten level mathematical thinking and I can only give that in limited doses.  I have 11 other kids who are below grade level but not nearly where he is. When I set up groups, I have to really think about who to pair/group him with because he literally shuts down at the mere mention of the word.  If I waited until this little guy to catch on so 100% of my kids were 100% proficient with a concept, we would NEVER move on.  I would still be teaching basic one digit addition.

She asked why I'd teach them another approach to a concept when they weren't getting it the first way.  It seems to me that teaching a concept only one way limits the opportunities for kids to use the knowledge.  I want my kids to use any strategy they can to solve a problem--there is not just ONE right way to do things in life.  

She asked how I determine that they have grasped a concept. I told her during the lesson itself and during closing activity or evaluation of their work, depending on what we were doing.  Am I wrong?  When else makes sense?  It doesn't make sense to me to wait until I grade everything under the sun over the weekend to go --ooops!  They didn't get it.  I guess I must be wrong about it.  Every training I've been to and every book I've read tells me to evaluate progress as we go along, both during and after the lesson. 

She asked what I do for those who don't get it.  Differentiation doesn't mean focusing on a whole different concept necessarily, which is what you can do with centers or rotations in math.  I want the kids to get the CONCEPT, not the problem.  It doesn't help them at all to be able to solve problem # 1 if three problems later, they're faced with the same concept in a different way and can't do it.  

I have some classroom management issues in my room, but they're fixable and I'm working on it.  I see improvements all the time.  It's not a matter of laying down a set of rules and the kids go, "oh yeah!  I should follow those."  And then they actually do.  That'd be too easy.  They've been trained for their whole lives that rules don't apply to them, and that effort isn't necessary--they've been allowed to slide by with no accountability at all.  They're a difficult group, there's no getting around it.  But things are improving, one day at a time.

Today was actually a pretty good day I thought, until I got home and had time to think about her comments and such.  It just seemed so accusatory and pointed when she said it all.  Sigh.  I had notes from the third graders today--made my heart grin.  I taught them writing for a little while last week and had such a good time.  I love my big boys, but the little ones still hold such a special place in my heart.

So here I am at the end of what I thought was a pretty good day, feeling like a failure...again.

Friendship is a strange thing. 

So many of our adult friendships are forged in the workplace, and we end up being close with people that we would never meet otherwise.  While we work together, we go for drinks, shopping, family days, and so forth together, and rely on one another for support both inside the office and outside of it.

Then we move on to new jobs, and those friendships dwindle.  Rather than talking daily, it goes to a week or two, and then a month or so has passed, and then it becomes the random voicemails left for one another while playing phone tag. 

I'm watching this play out right now...and it makes me so sad.  My friend has realized that teaching elementary school is not where her heart is.  It's in middle school.  We don't chat as much anymore about random stuff.  We don't make a point to say goodnight at the end of a long day, and we haven't been out together at all in a long time.  Our team has grown, and I'm sure that's a part of it.  We aren't just relying on each other anymore for support, there are several others in our support group now. 

Just makes me sad.  I miss her.  I know I've been caught up in the drama that is my classroom and have been pulling away a little too.  I know eventually she'll move on to other pastures and follow her heart where it takes her. 

Sigh.

I'm thankful that we fell back today because I was given an extra hour to get things done.  My laundry is slowly getting taken care of, my kitchen is mostly cleanish, and my bed is made.  I've planned (meaning typed out four pages of detailed plans) for tomorrow, and am taking a break from working on the rest of the week's plans.  I have little notes to me about what I want to do in my plan book, but it's not in the correct "format" yet.  We have this specific format that everything has to be typed or written into for submittal to administration and to keep in a three ring binder to turn in at the end of the year.  Sigh.  It is just a TON of extra paperwork.  Is it helpful?  Sure.  Sitting down and spending four hours planning out every single second of every single moment of every single lesson with every possible nuance taken care of...yeah...it's helpful to consider all of those things.  It's just a lot of work.  I don't know how people with families and husbands and lives actually DO it.  I've been at it since 10 this morning and I gathered up all my books and such for copying yesterday when I was at school for three hours, but found out there was NO paper in any of the copiers.  Makes copying difficult, so I brought it ALL home to do here.  

Now I'm sitting here preparing to read a 20 chapter book on discipline.  Apparently this is the way that my classroom management program should operate.  I've tried love and logic, fred jones, Denny, Harry Wong, and a mix of several others, but nothing seems to work, so we'll try this one.  It makes logical sense from what I've read so far, but the problem is remembering to not fall back on the things that I've been USED to doing. Seems that we tend to fall back into teaching the way we were taught (worksheets, guilt, and yelling) really easily unless we can re-train ourselves to do something else.  I have 12 boys, which seems simple enough, but each has more than one personality, and ALL of them require immediate attention all the time. They need to be the center of the universe for various reasons and have their egos stroked and their brains challenged constantly.  They are, right now, virtually incapable (by choice and habit) of working on anything independently.  When you have 12 kids clamoring for your attention and "help" every single second of the day, it makes teaching very difficult.  I've tried putting cooperative learning structures in place, and with some of them it works pretty well, but I still have others who REFUSE to rely on anyone else and will NOT participate in anything that involves another human being that isn't me.  I have one in particular who refuses to do any work in class because it's too easy, and his mother actually said that it was ok for him to do what he liked during class if he didn't want to do what was expected...during our conference.  So I asked her how she intended for me to assess his knowledge and development of skills.  Her response?  Just believe him when he says he can do it.  This option is a non-option because my profession requires that I use DATA (meaning REAL information, not just possible information) to determine proficiency.

Please.  Life is an assessment of skills and knowledge.  Granted, not all life assessments involve bubbling in for correct answers, but every thing we do within the realms of work, family, friends, personal, and otherwise are assessments of one kind or another. 

So I'm trying to improve things in my classroom so that learning can actually take place for ALL my kids.  Every day, I go in hoping to see that they've chosen to be present and mindful of their purpose in class, and within moments, I'm frustrated and upset because they really, honestly, truly, have decided to not give a rat's ass about any of it.  I know that no amount of purposeful and structured planning on my part can possibly fix the issues that my children bring with them into class.  

My boys are much like girls.  They hold grudges.  They whine.  They bitch that so and so is talking about me, my mom, my family, my hair, my shoes.  They complain that things are not fair when they do not get their way.  They state, emphatically, that their parental unit will come and beat me up if I don't let them do as they please.  They live for violence and choose to use it whenever possible over using words to solve problems.  They call each other names.  They try to turn other boys against the ones they aren't friends with that moment.  It's amazing.  And all of these things happen, in one form or another, over the course of any given day.  Makes things difficult to teach and makes it even more challenging for them to learn.  

Sigh.  I'm frustrated and overhwelmed.  I feel, very often in fact, that I am not the teacher I should be by this point in my career.  I worry that my kids are suffering because I cannot seem to get them where they need to be due to all these hurdles.  I feel pulled in a billion directions, taking advice (requested or otherwise) from people who say I should do this that or the other thing and that'll fix the problems.  I have one administrator who says I'm fine and another who says I'm not and a third who says there are areas for improvement but not that many.  I see constructive chaos as ok, but my administration does not--they see it as students off task.  Sigh.  I want to know when everyone else has a life.  When do they have time to go to movies, plays, parties?  When do they have time to hike the incline?  When do they have time to do the things they like with the people they love?

So yeah.  That's where I am.  I did get to see Brad on Halloween and that was lovely.  Wish we could just hang out like that more.  It was nice. :)

Back to the book. 

 It's been a little while since I posted, in part because I've been busy.  Well, let me be truthful.  I've been busy, and stressed, and worried, and tired, and frustrated, and busy, and stressed.  You get the idea.

I have one year to prove myself a worthy teacher to remain employed.  My CSAP scores must all be proficient or above, and my district assessment scores must all be proficient or better as well.  I must have excellent classroom management skills, and be able to plan six plus hours of engaging instruction with less than one hour per week of planning time with my team.  

I've had several spot observations since September and they all seem to be getting worse.  Feedback I'm getting is that none of my kids are on task, none of them know what they are doing much less why they are doing it, and most importantly, not one of them is learning anything at all. Their scores for assessments thus far are dismal, and those who were proficient last year are so far below unsatisfactory there isn't a category for them.  My kids fight almost constantly, and they refuse to follow any directions unless it benefits them somehow.  They believe that they are entitled to things that they are not, and they have also been led to believe that they do not have to do anything they do not feel like doing.  

I had been feeling pretty good about the way things were going until we got our data back and started talking about it this past week from assessments we took a couple of weeks ago.  I feel as though I am running a race that I cannot win.  I'm teaching the way I'm told to, and then someone new comes in saying I'm doing it wrong and it should be THIS way, and within a few days a third or fourth person comes in and comments that it's wrong and I should do it THIS way instead.  I would like just one person's feedback.  One.  Not 12 different bits and pieces.  

I'm on the phone right now with my teammate, and apparently my class erupted into chaos for the majority of the day while I was at a meeting.  There were things flying through the air that do not have wings, headlocks, biting, and other such three-year-old behavior.  What fun.  Free time the sub said.  She'd given them free time.  FREE TIME WAS NOT ANYWHERE IN MY LESSON PLANS.  Free time cannot exist.  Can't.  It just cannot.  Every single moment is learning.  ALL of it.  Sigh.

Fuck it.  I need a beer.

I would like to list my accomplishments since the beginning of the school year:

1.  I have successfully avoided the gym for close to two months.

2.  I have successfully gained back most of the weight that I lost to start with.

3. I have lost 1 student and gained his replacement, who at least speaks English and whom I will lose in November because the Army can't leave people in one place for long enough for them to unpack.

4.  I have lost a second student to eternal suspension pending his expulsion hearing for starting a fistfight (and a kicking fight) in my classroom last week. 

5. I have made it through the first quarter of my second year of teaching and have sought counseling for the aforementioned altercation listed in #4.

6.  I have become addicted to Grey's Anatomy.

7.  I have attended five seminars on my weekends, and have written and revised lesson plans based on what I've learned too many times to count.

8.  I learned that I cannot sit in the living room to work if I have work to do.  I must sit in my kitchen/office.  The sofa demands napping.

9.  I have kept my bathroom somewhat clean/neat despite morning rushes.

10.  I have donated god knows how much money to the empire that is Starbucks to keep me awake in the morning on the way to school.

I've done a lot in the past several weeks, and I'm exhausted.  I'm getting up at 4am these days and leaving the house by quarter of six to be at school around six so I can prepare for the day and the week...I'm trying to be a week or so ahead of things, and keep what I've already done organized so that I can find it again next year when I need it.  I spent my three day weekend sleeping in, and not doing anything remotely close to schoolwork, and I feel overwhelmed now because of it.  I don't know how people go home at night and leave school at school.  I don't know how they have families and kids and lives.  I just don't get it.  I haven't seen Brad in what seems like forever and I feel horrible about it.  (At least he's swamped too and so isn't really concerned--or at least he's not letting on that he is.)  I miss him.  I envy my friends who have someone to go home to at night, even if they don't say much when they're in the same house.  Somehow IM'ing isn't the same.

I have a chattering rat upon my shoulder who is watching me type and wondering how to get from my shoulder to the keyboard.  I suspect she's also pretty horked that I cut my hair and so her hiding place under my hair on my neck is gone... Just a random thought.

It's late.  I'm tired.  And I'm going to bed.  I think I'll fall asleep to Mike Rowe in a few minutes...  If he has kids, they will be SO lucky to have that voice telling the bedtime stories. :P